Rest In Peace To My Uterus

Rest In Peace To My Uterus FYep, the bitch turned on me, I’ve been pretty good to her too. I took care of her, she let me down. Hard. While I’m not regretting the loss of my childbearing years, no, **laughs for hours, no, I’m pretty good with that. It’s just menopause is really not nice. Menopause is a screaming,Β unpredictable child who has had too much sugar. Menopause is like sitting on a hot poker for hours at a time. Menopause is a 400 dollar a month tampon, underwear and new clothes budget.

Menopause is fun.

Menopause is a new stage of my life that I welcome with open arms. Really, I could be dead and not celebrating this wonder.

The wonder of going from cold to roasting in an instant.

The wonder of bleeding through 17 layers of cotton, two towels and a mattress.

The wonder of my new beard. That’s cool though, people have a new beard fetish lately, I’m good to go.

I guess I’m just old, I’m going grey and getting deep wrinkles. I have random pains and the occasional limp. But hey, when I was 23, I had problems too, I’d rather be here, any day.

This shit’s a breeze, I got this.

PS: I just want my armpits to dry.

fun with menopause.png
RIP To My Uterus
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195 thoughts on “Rest In Peace To My Uterus

  1. LOL! I’m laughing with you, not at you.

    That damn curse showed up on my doorstep, early. I fought the witch like crazy, finally succumbed and climbed into the freezer for a cool-down.

    Clothing never fit the same, ever again, and then the firm muscles waxed and waned until blubber set up shop.

    Shoes. I used to wear stylish ones, pumps, spectators. Now I’m barefoot or in a minimalist style.

    Food. Just thinking about it caused weight gain. Twice the amount of exercise and half the results.

    Some days I just hide indoors, others, I will myself to the nearest waxing salon.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Isn’t this one of those times you wish you were married again? A husband to share the symptoms with you. With luck you might avoid a murder charge.
    My wife had an ectopic pregnancy which brought on the menopause early and I remember her having to take calcium to hold the bone density which this pleasure trip apparently decreases. We got through it with very few scars that still show.Remember, it doesn’t last forever.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Memopause is a great excuse to strip whenever you want (regardless of a hot flash but do watch out for minors in the vicinity) and to get a whole new bra wardrobe. From now on, we are just the real hot stuff!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Pingback: I’ll share being hot with you | Boomerang Zone

  5. Oh, I’m so afraid of menopause….just when I find my sexuality and feel somewhat ok with my body I know it’s around the corner!

    I hope I can handle it as magnificently as you did in your post! Humor is the key!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I used to laugh at my wife and her hot flashes. She had to undergo an emergency spay in her early 30’s. No big deal as we already had five sons, and there was that matter of saving her life. Hot flashes were great during the cold of winter (as far as I’m concerned) but now we’re older and the laughter has stopped. Nobody, absolutely nobody, took the time to address the subject of manopause when I was young. I though I was coming down with something, but the pharmacist just smiled and said I was welcomed to the over 60 club now.

    Side note: For all these years, through all the hot flashes, we have twined and snuggled both in bed and the cold shower. It’s a matter of being mated, not just married.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. When your last raging (or non-raging) hormone has done it’s thing – you will be free! And OMG it is the perfect freedom. I hardly even remember my menopause now and I am 59. No more ups and downs of PMS. No more screaming at people for no other reason than you just feel like it. Now that you have stepped through that scary doorway into yet another phase pre-fixed with ‘men’ – you are on the road to joy!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: Rest In Peace To MyΒ Uterus | Candace Vianna Writes

  9. I wonder how many men would REALLY want to become women if they got the whole deal, not just the boobs and wardrobes?
    I know I am quite sick of having the worst of both ends…killer cramps while hot flashing…it’s great fun!
    Guess I should be thankful I am still beardless…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Β«I have random pains and the occasional limp.Β»

    You just described me…
    Especially in the morning… And also during the days that follow a training day…
    And I’m turning 36 this Sunday. I’m becoming a crone before time. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh, this made me laugh only because I know exactly what you’re going through. Meanwhile I’m clinging to the optimistic thought that I’m going to come out the other side a completely new woman. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Laura,
    Your delivery is so funny. I will be honest, when I first saw your picture and then saw you were in “Midlife” groups, I thought you look so young! Then I read you were divorced. People could be divorced in their twenties right? Now, menopause!
    Thanks for sharing.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, lord. Mine has never played nice, and I’m not to menapause yet! Thanks for painting such a fun picture to look forward to! (Sarcasm dripping heavily from my words) But, like you said, it could be worse. I could be 20 again.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Reminds me of the time I had a hot flash in a tanning booth and was too menopausally stupid to step out! I laugh about it now, but it was three minutes of sheer agony at the time.

    It’s all over for me now, and I’m one foot in the grave, but I wouldn’t wish the five years I spent menopausal on my worst enemy.

    Eat well, rest when you can, and try not to gain weight now, because it’s a lifelong battle from here on out.

    There are a lot of upsides, though, including wearing, saying and doing whatever the hell you like, because who wants to argue with a strong, sassy middle-aged woman?

    Liked by 1 person

  15. My God I had no idea menopause was so extreme! I didn’t think a women bled when going through menopause. Shocking to read but re-educated me.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Wow! You are so brave and open about this and you absolutely okay with it. I have much admiration for you. I am getting 40 and I kindda looking forward to this day actually. Thank you for the head up.

    Thanks for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost. x

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I was nodding along reading this the first time, and the second, and now the third. Yup, yup, yucky, yup. Awesome post!
    Shared and thoroughly enjoyed.
    Popped over from Elena’s #BlogShareLearn today, but as you know, I’m a regular here. πŸ˜‰
    Hope this weekend treats you kindly. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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