Don’t Be A Cheap Prick

I’m cheap, I like to save money because I want to spend it all on beer. All of it, every single dime I make wants to land at the beer store. I find that my cheapness often leads me down a dangerous path.

Car repairs. Sure, anyone can do brakes in their back yard, why pay full price for brakes? Actually, no, not everyone can do brakes. Apparently, some mechanics can’t even do brakes. Save five hundred on brakes, pay seven hundred in repairs to fix it… Guess what? You still need new brakes.

Tires. Sure, buy cheap tires, tires aren’t an important safety feature of your car. Any ole tires will do. Bonus points if you find them in a field. Free!!!

Clothing. Sure, you can buy cheap clothing and pull your underwear up every five minutes. Your boobs fall out of your bra and the seam is coming out of your shirt. Now your boobs are falling out of both your bra and your shirt. (Free drinks!!!)

Furniture. Why spend money on a decent sofa or mattress when you can break your back on a cheap one for the rest of your life. Chiropractor waiting rooms are a fun way to meet other broken-down people. Just think of the pain killers you can get hooked on!!!

Food. Sure ramen is 25 cents. It’s filling. What’s high blood pressure? Who cares? High blood pressure pills are two dollars each. Or you can drop dead, dropping dead is cheap.

Cosmetics and hair products. Sure, who cares? Five years of cheap cosmetics and hair products and you’ll look 150 years old, or older. Don’t worry, you’re about to drop dead from high blood pressure anyways, so what’s the difference?

It’s only money, spend it. Buy all the things. ALL THE THINGS.