Four Reasons I Screamed At Your Child

backpack-1149461_1920I am a reasonably patient person, I once waited at the Walmart deli counter for 25 minutes so I could save fifty cents. I went there for turkey, I was getting turkey.

Children test my patience, frequently. They do not give one shit. Worse, since the little brats aren’t mine, I can’t take away one block of their new Lego carousel and ruin their little lives. So here, I’ve collected four times I’ve actually lost my damned shit on your precious darlings.

1. You had a three year old and a newborn in a stroller, you were getting a coffee. Both of the children were quiet BUT the big one was smashing the little one on the head with a piece of wood. Yes, I flipped.

2. It was clear that you didn’t give a shit that your kid picked up his toy and shot me right in the face. I cared. He is lucky I didn’t drown him as I could have lost an eye. Of course you sat there like a complete, worthless asshole.

3. Remember when your kid came at me full speed with a shopping cart? When I said that if she had hit me, she’d be the one crying on the floor in a little puddle? I guess I could have waited for you to say something…. ohhhh, that’s right, I waited.

4. You were in your car, warm and toasty because it was freezing out. Your kid was getting your pizza because you’re a lazy, stupid bitch. Your kid kept pressing the handicapped button for the door leaving it open for a solid ten minutes. Man, there is nothing more fun than pressing a f*cking button, buttons are the most fun things on this planet. By the time the kid was done with his little game, we were all frozen. I. Lost. My. Mind.

Aw, I bet you’d like to know what happened? The glorious shit kicking that came my way?

I’m too adorable to get shit kicked, and more importantly, I’m always right.

Four Reasons I Screamed At Your Child


50 thoughts on “Four Reasons I Screamed At Your Child

  1. This brought back a memory of the time we went out to my favorite vegan restaurant. When we arrived, there was one large party with kids that were clearly still in their terrible twos (age 2 to 4/5) and they were running all over the place between the tables. About half the place was full of customers.

    I made sure to find a table as far from the party with the wild animals masquerading as children, but that didn’t solve the problem because one of the little brats ended up discovering the little red box on the wall you pull in case of a fire … and, I bet you guessed it, he pulled and off went the alarm. Customers left their food and tables to wait out on the sidewalk. Fire trucks came. Before it was over, about 30 minutes went by.

    I saw the kid do it.

    But I don’t bother to scream at the kid. Instead, I focused my 1,000-yard killing glare at the parents until they noticed and started to squirm and worry I might be one of those crazy people that blow or shoot things up (even though I didn’t have a firearm, they didn’t know it). They soon packed up and left … in a hurry.

    Kids in their terrible twos can’t be blamed. It is the parents that are responsible for allowing kids to run wild like that.

    Liked by 4 people

      • In that experience, the parents didn’t care. They didn’t even attempt to be useless. They sat at the table in conversation with the other adults while the children ran wild making lots of noise and irritating other customers and the restaurant made no attempt to stop it. I mean, a big party could leave a big tip so don’t risk losing it.

        Liked by 3 people

      • There is an old saying that one photograph and/or picture is worth ten thousand words. That killer stare was worth ten thousand words and if I opened my mouth, it would probably drop to the number of words I uttered erasing the impact of the stare alone.

        For instance, I used that stare when I was a public school teacher and the students that earned that wordless stare would beg me to stop. They would even lift their textbook and hide behind it, and whatever they were doing to earn that stare stopped without me saying one word.

        Why did I do that? Because when I was an in an urban residency internship for one full school year working full time in a 5th grade class with a master teacher (it was her class), she taught me that less was more and if you could control a class with just the way you looked at them without saying a word that was more powerful than shouting at the kids and verbally threatening them by describing the punishment for their unacceptable behavior.

        That master teacher’s name was Adele and she was right. That tactic served me well for the next 29-years. It was easier to control a class of 34 students with that stare and no words than it was once I opened my mouth to utter words.

        How well did it work? One year during parent conferences, a mother sat down at my table with her son and accused me of not being able to control my class. She said the noise distracted her son and that was the reason he wasn’t working hard enough. Her son corrected her. He said, “Mom, it wasn’t in Mr. Lofthouse’s where the noise distracts me. When we have to work alone at our desks, his class is as quiet as it is in church each Sunday.”

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh, the memories! One comes to mind of the Summer in college I worked as a day camp counselor. There was this one little darling, 8 year old, if I remember rightly. I’ll call him B____ . His mother was always telling anyone who would listen or could not escape how utterly charming her precious one was. He was a cute kid and would smile like a cherub and say, “Hi, I’m B___ and I’m charming.” Then, he would kick you in the shin, still smiling with the sure knowledge of immunity. I don’t know if he grew up to be a serial killer or a lawyer.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is just a sad thing that parents intentionally ignore their kids saying they do not have time to discipline them. You have more parents who are afraid to punish or even correct their child because them might hurt their feelings. Then those same people do not understand why their kids end up rioting or committing a crime. As for the last one at the pizza shop, that mother probably could not walk three feet. Yep! They are that lazy.

    Liked by 3 people

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  5. I have had a few words at Mothers to pay attention. I honestly saw a toddler grab a plastic bag in produce while sitting in the cart and pull it over his head. I said to the Mom, “this isn’t a good practice”, and she went nuts with the kid. Hello, get off your phone!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Boyfriend and I went out for sushi the other day and there was a free-range toddler wandering around. Came over to us and tried to engage me in peekaboo. Now there are actually situations where I’m totally up for a good game of peekaboo – outgoing kid with non-uptight mom and/or dad on the subway can actually make a commute much more fun, f’rinstance – but not while I’m out on a date, please!

    I muttered to TQ “Do you think it’ll go away if I just ignore it?”

    He just about fell off his chair laughing.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This was kind of hilarious. I sympathise and empathise. Kids in areas where adults are unable to leave… airplanes, work environments, doctor’s offices, should be banned. It’s almost a shame that children are necessary to continue the species, although, I’m not that fond of the species either. I’d be willing to take the hit; no more future generations seems a fair trade for no more noisy kids on public transport.

    Liked by 2 people

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